Losing Sight

Sometimes my sight gets blurry and distorted. Not my actual sight. My eyes work just fine. But the eyes of my soul. The eyes of my heart.

It’s so easy to get swept up in all that is wrong in the world. I’m so quick to get lost in my past, angry about my present, and confused about my future.

I lose sight.

I forget that what I’ve gone through isn’t in vain. I didn’t experience the pain, loss, and fear for nothing.

This life is not about this life. This life is about so much more.

I get caught up. Caught up in the mundane. The drama. The depression. The anxiety. The fear. The repetition. The artificial.

I lose sight.

I find myself falling back into thoughts of self destruction, feelings of self pity, and actions that don’t represent who I want to be.

But I am meant for so much more. My story was given to me for a purpose. To help and to serve. To live and to love. To share and to give.

But as long as I sit still, overcome by this world, my story is in vain. And that is not what it is meant to be.

As hard a fight as it may be I have to keep standing up. I have to keep speaking up. I have to keep taking actions that will progress me towards the person I want to be.

And I want to be someone who serves. Who loves. Who gives. Who fights. Who reaches into the deepest darkest corners of this world to bring hope where there was once despair.

I want to be someone who remembers that every single person is fighting a battle. I want to be someone full of compassion and grace.

I want to be someone who shows the world the heart of God.

I want to bring light.

Hope.

Love.

Life.

 

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Sacred Connection

Sometimes I get to thinking about how much I miss treatment.

I say that out loud and realize how crazy that may sound to others. But the reality is that the connections created in and through treatment are unlike anything else. At least for me..

I never had much of a family. Don’t take me wrong, I absolutely adore and love my mom and sister but my family is so filled with disfunction and suffering that the bonds we have always had have been very unhealthy.

Through treatment I found my family. I found people who heard me, listened to me, and understood me. I found people who loved me despite my pain, despite my past, and despite my mistakes. I found people who helped me identify, embrace, and cherish the most beautiful parts of myself. I found people who encouraged me to honor and love the little girl in me who never felt loved as a child. I found people who wanted to help me carry my burdens. People who wanted to be with me at my best and my worst. I found people who would never leave.

So sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the beautiful people who I would have never met had it not been for treatment.

It’s crazy how the most beautiful things in life can also be the most painful. But without the pain meaning is lost.

We can’t appreciate the light without darkness and we can’t endure darkness without the hope of light.

So thank you to my family. I miss every single one of you who has offered me your heart.

My love and gratitude is beyond explanation.

Unexpected Rejuvenation

I went home this weekend to visit my little sister (who’s not so little anymore) and my mom.

Going home has always been a risky situation. I love my family, don’t get me wrong, however, the level of disfunction within our family system is a little triggering to say the least. So with my recent struggles with using eating disorder behaviors again, I was a little nervous.

But to my surprise, it was a great weekend!

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Prior to driving home I had a really good and important session with my dietician in which I made the commitment to eat 3 meals and 1-2 snacks every day for 2 weeks, no matter what. In other words, I’ve been really struggling and my dietician needs to see if I can get back on track myself or need to go back to some higher level of treatment.

Today is the end of day 4, and I am proud to say I am following through on my commitment 🙂

So back to this weekend…

We didn’t do much, mainly just hung out around their apartment, watched movies, talked, played games, ate…you know, the usual. It was simple and simple was just what I needed.

On the drive back (a long 4 and a half hours) I spent some really amazing time with God. I have been so distant from Him lately and last week started to realize that there is no way I can do recovery or life without Him.

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I’ve always thought that I had 2 options in life, my eating disorder or having to deal with the trauma in my past and that there would never be peace or relief. BUT THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION! And He has been there the whole time just waiting for me to realize it 🙂

So with that, I am feeling ready to conquer this eating disorder and live the life God created me for! I’m so stoked about it. And at the same time I realize it’s going to be hard work and it won’t always feel this great. But I know it is possible and I know He will never give up fighting for me!

My Baby Boy

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My little baby boy, Charlie, passed away this morning due to sudden congestive heart failure…

My heart is broken. We adopted him when he was a mere 6 weeks old and 2 lbs, 10 years ago when I was 12 years old.

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He lived with my mom and sister in Southern California while I am up in Central/Northern California. I am making a trip home to visit in a week and a half and I can’t explain how devastated I am that I will be a week and a half late. I just wanted to hold him and give him a big kiss on the head one last time…

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My dogs, more than anything in the entire world, give me more joy than I’ve ever experienced. The love and connection between a dog and his/her owner (to me) is one of the most sacred relationships one can have.

I love you Charlie ❤ I love you so much and wish I could have been there to say goodbye. The pain is so deep.

My memories of you are so wonderful and bring such love to my heart. I will forever cherish those, Chewy, so thank you.

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I hope you are in Heaven with God now, laying on His lap looking down on us. See you in Heaven Chubby. I will miss you forever…

❤ I love you so so much!

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