January 1, 2017 my father cut me from his health insurance.

It’s a moment I’ve been waiting for for quite some time. I have looked forward to severing this last form of connection but I’ve also dreaded it.

With it comes freedom and with it also comes pain.

The pain and fear that I may never connect with my father again pierces my heart.

I feel fragile. I feel broken. I feel the anxiety and the sadness creep up on me inconveniently throughout my days.

It’s a pain I can’t seem to articulate.

It’s a kind of pain that I just want to numb out from.

It’s an exhausting type of pain.

It drives itself deep into my being.

It makes everything ache.

And there is no band-aid or ice pack or medicine that will make it go away…

I miss him..I need a father..or a mother..either would be nice. I just need someone. Someone to tell me it’s going to be alright. Someone I can go to and feel safe to fall apart in front of for just a moment before I have to pull myself together and present strength to the world.

I need family. Something I’ve never really had…




My Baby Boy


My little baby boy, Charlie, passed away this morning due to sudden congestive heart failure…

My heart is broken. We adopted him when he was a mere 6 weeks old and 2 lbs, 10 years ago when I was 12 years old.


He lived with my mom and sister in Southern California while I am up in Central/Northern California. I am making a trip home to visit in a week and a half and I can’t explain how devastated I am that I will be a week and a half late. I just wanted to hold him and give him a big kiss on the head one last time…


My dogs, more than anything in the entire world, give me more joy than I’ve ever experienced. The love and connection between a dog and his/her owner (to me) is one of the most sacred relationships one can have.

I love you Charlie ❤ I love you so much and wish I could have been there to say goodbye. The pain is so deep.

My memories of you are so wonderful and bring such love to my heart. I will forever cherish those, Chewy, so thank you.


I hope you are in Heaven with God now, laying on His lap looking down on us. See you in Heaven Chubby. I will miss you forever…

❤ I love you so so much!

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