Fragility

January 1, 2017 my father cut me from his health insurance.

It’s a moment I’ve been waiting for for quite some time. I have looked forward to severing this last form of connection but I’ve also dreaded it.

With it comes freedom and with it also comes pain.

The pain and fear that I may never connect with my father again pierces my heart.

I feel fragile. I feel broken. I feel the anxiety and the sadness creep up on me inconveniently throughout my days.

It’s a pain I can’t seem to articulate.

It’s a kind of pain that I just want to numb out from.

It’s an exhausting type of pain.

It drives itself deep into my being.

It makes everything ache.

And there is no band-aid or ice pack or medicine that will make it go away…

I miss him..I need a father..or a mother..either would be nice. I just need someone. Someone to tell me it’s going to be alright. Someone I can go to and feel safe to fall apart in front of for just a moment before I have to pull myself together and present strength to the world.

I need family. Something I’ve never really had…

 

 

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My Baby Boy

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My little baby boy, Charlie, passed away this morning due to sudden congestive heart failure…

My heart is broken. We adopted him when he was a mere 6 weeks old and 2 lbs, 10 years ago when I was 12 years old.

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He lived with my mom and sister in Southern California while I am up in Central/Northern California. I am making a trip home to visit in a week and a half and I can’t explain how devastated I am that I will be a week and a half late. I just wanted to hold him and give him a big kiss on the head one last time…

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My dogs, more than anything in the entire world, give me more joy than I’ve ever experienced. The love and connection between a dog and his/her owner (to me) is one of the most sacred relationships one can have.

I love you Charlie ❤ I love you so much and wish I could have been there to say goodbye. The pain is so deep.

My memories of you are so wonderful and bring such love to my heart. I will forever cherish those, Chewy, so thank you.

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I hope you are in Heaven with God now, laying on His lap looking down on us. See you in Heaven Chubby. I will miss you forever…

❤ I love you so so much!

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