Losing Sight

Sometimes my sight gets blurry and distorted. Not my actual sight. My eyes work just fine. But the eyes of my soul. The eyes of my heart.

It’s so easy to get swept up in all that is wrong in the world. I’m so quick to get lost in my past, angry about my present, and confused about my future.

I lose sight.

I forget that what I’ve gone through isn’t in vain. I didn’t experience the pain, loss, and fear for nothing.

This life is not about this life. This life is about so much more.

I get caught up. Caught up in the mundane. The drama. The depression. The anxiety. The fear. The repetition. The artificial.

I lose sight.

I find myself falling back into thoughts of self destruction, feelings of self pity, and actions that don’t represent who I want to be.

But I am meant for so much more. My story was given to me for a purpose. To help and to serve. To live and to love. To share and to give.

But as long as I sit still, overcome by this world, my story is in vain. And that is not what it is meant to be.

As hard a fight as it may be I have to keep standing up. I have to keep speaking up. I have to keep taking actions that will progress me towards the person I want to be.

And I want to be someone who serves. Who loves. Who gives. Who fights. Who reaches into the deepest darkest corners of this world to bring hope where there was once despair.

I want to be someone who remembers that every single person is fighting a battle. I want to be someone full of compassion and grace.

I want to be someone who shows the world the heart of God.

I want to bring light.

Hope.

Love.

Life.

 

Advertisements

Sacred Connection

Sometimes I get to thinking about how much I miss treatment.

I say that out loud and realize how crazy that may sound to others. But the reality is that the connections created in and through treatment are unlike anything else. At least for me..

I never had much of a family. Don’t take me wrong, I absolutely adore and love my mom and sister but my family is so filled with disfunction and suffering that the bonds we have always had have been very unhealthy.

Through treatment I found my family. I found people who heard me, listened to me, and understood me. I found people who loved me despite my pain, despite my past, and despite my mistakes. I found people who helped me identify, embrace, and cherish the most beautiful parts of myself. I found people who encouraged me to honor and love the little girl in me who never felt loved as a child. I found people who wanted to help me carry my burdens. People who wanted to be with me at my best and my worst. I found people who would never leave.

So sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the beautiful people who I would have never met had it not been for treatment.

It’s crazy how the most beautiful things in life can also be the most painful. But without the pain meaning is lost.

We can’t appreciate the light without darkness and we can’t endure darkness without the hope of light.

So thank you to my family. I miss every single one of you who has offered me your heart.

My love and gratitude is beyond explanation.

The Power of a Moment

Needed this song tonight. Feeling hopeless and broken. Feeling like a burden to those around me and wanting so bad to give up. I wan the pain to be over.

But God keeps me going, and sometimes it is through little things like a song.

demons

Not For a Moment by Meredith Andrews

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

CHORUS
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

Chorus

And every step every breath You are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my heart at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it’s hard
You will never leave me
After all

Chorus

Not for a moment will You forsake me

Capable

Capable. What is that word really?

I mean if you think about it…at least for myself…I have always doubted my capability to succeed, to do, to get through, etc.

And yet, I have, haven’t I? I have, up to this point, succeeded at, completed, gotten through, all that has come my way…or I wouldn’t be here. So why do we continue to doubt our abilities when so far our success rate is 100%?

Sure, the path the where you are now may not look as you thought it would, but one way or another you made it through. You are here. You have conquered the past and who is to say you won’t make it through the next tomorrow? Because so far you have made it through all of your tomorrows.

the oldest story

I guess this thought comes from a place of reflection. As I delve deeper and deeper into trauma work with my therapist on a bi-weekly basis, I doubt more and more that I can make it through to see the rainbow after the rain. And yet, here I am, I’ve made it so far. Why wouldn’t that continue?

Sometimes in the little moments where the world feels too overwhelming it’s hard to zoom out and see the bigger picture. But  you can’t make sense of one puzzle piece without the whole puzzle and you can’t complete a puzzle without every little piece.

Unexpected Rejuvenation

I went home this weekend to visit my little sister (who’s not so little anymore) and my mom.

Going home has always been a risky situation. I love my family, don’t get me wrong, however, the level of disfunction within our family system is a little triggering to say the least. So with my recent struggles with using eating disorder behaviors again, I was a little nervous.

But to my surprise, it was a great weekend!

relax

Prior to driving home I had a really good and important session with my dietician in which I made the commitment to eat 3 meals and 1-2 snacks every day for 2 weeks, no matter what. In other words, I’ve been really struggling and my dietician needs to see if I can get back on track myself or need to go back to some higher level of treatment.

Today is the end of day 4, and I am proud to say I am following through on my commitment 🙂

So back to this weekend…

We didn’t do much, mainly just hung out around their apartment, watched movies, talked, played games, ate…you know, the usual. It was simple and simple was just what I needed.

On the drive back (a long 4 and a half hours) I spent some really amazing time with God. I have been so distant from Him lately and last week started to realize that there is no way I can do recovery or life without Him.

romans 5 8

I’ve always thought that I had 2 options in life, my eating disorder or having to deal with the trauma in my past and that there would never be peace or relief. BUT THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION! And He has been there the whole time just waiting for me to realize it 🙂

So with that, I am feeling ready to conquer this eating disorder and live the life God created me for! I’m so stoked about it. And at the same time I realize it’s going to be hard work and it won’t always feel this great. But I know it is possible and I know He will never give up fighting for me!

Actually Living

One Big Puzzle

The thought of actually living, not just surviving, is a terrifying thought.

Because living means feeling and uncertainty, getting hurt and failing. But I’ve been told living also means love and joy, connection and fulfillment.

Does the good outweigh the bad? I guess I can’t know until I give life a chance…

How does one begin to live after 22 years of simply surviving? Is it possible for an infant to run before she has learned to crawl?

I believe in a God who loves deeper than we can comprehend and is powerfully good beyond belief, and yet He feels so far away. I used to have a  hope and a faith that I could hold onto when everything felt so hopeless. I don’t know where it went. I know it’s still there but I can’t seem to access that part of who I am and who He is in me. And that, above all else, is terrifying.

Because if I don’t have Him to live for, I have nothing.

Living is terrifying if I have nothing to live for. And yet here I am, still kicking. Because I know He is in there somewhere. In the depths of my heart that have been so wounded they have been sealed by such fierce scar tissue and are painfully hard to tear back open.

But it must be done… or what’s the point?

It is so easy for my purpose to be to restrict and see the number on the scale go down. It’s so much more confusing when there is no answer, no specific end point. When everything is blurry and uncertain and complicated.

Losing weight is easy, it’s straightforward, it’s specific. Living is the total opposite and I don’t know a thing about how to do that.

So I’m scared. Actually living is terrifying.