Fragility

January 1, 2017 my father cut me from his health insurance.

It’s a moment I’ve been waiting for for quite some time. I have looked forward to severing this last form of connection but I’ve also dreaded it.

With it comes freedom and with it also comes pain.

The pain and fear that I may never connect with my father again pierces my heart.

I feel fragile. I feel broken. I feel the anxiety and the sadness creep up on me inconveniently throughout my days.

It’s a pain I can’t seem to articulate.

It’s a kind of pain that I just want to numb out from.

It’s an exhausting type of pain.

It drives itself deep into my being.

It makes everything ache.

And there is no band-aid or ice pack or medicine that will make it go away…

I miss him..I need a father..or a mother..either would be nice. I just need someone. Someone to tell me it’s going to be alright. Someone I can go to and feel safe to fall apart in front of for just a moment before I have to pull myself together and present strength to the world.

I need family. Something I’ve never really had…

 

 

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Sacred Connection

Sometimes I get to thinking about how much I miss treatment.

I say that out loud and realize how crazy that may sound to others. But the reality is that the connections created in and through treatment are unlike anything else. At least for me..

I never had much of a family. Don’t take me wrong, I absolutely adore and love my mom and sister but my family is so filled with disfunction and suffering that the bonds we have always had have been very unhealthy.

Through treatment I found my family. I found people who heard me, listened to me, and understood me. I found people who loved me despite my pain, despite my past, and despite my mistakes. I found people who helped me identify, embrace,ย and cherish the most beautiful parts of myself. I found people who encouraged me to honor and love the little girl in me who never felt loved as a child. I found people who wanted to help me carry my burdens. People who wanted to be with me at my best and my worst. I found people who would never leave.

So sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the beautiful people who I would have never met had it not been for treatment.

It’s crazy how the most beautiful things in life can also be the most painful. But without the pain meaning is lost.

We can’t appreciate the light without darkness and we can’t endure darkness without the hope of light.

So thank you to my family. I miss every single one of you who has offered me your heart.

My love and gratitude is beyond explanation.

Unexpected Rejuvenation

I went home this weekend to visit my little sister (who’s not so little anymore) and my mom.

Going home has always been a risky situation. I love my family, don’t get me wrong, however, the level of disfunction within our family system is a little triggering to say the least. So with my recent struggles with using eating disorder behaviors again, I was a little nervous.

But to my surprise, it was a great weekend!

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Prior to driving home I had a really good and important session with my dietician in which I made the commitment to eat 3 meals and 1-2 snacks every day for 2 weeks, no matter what. In other words, I’ve been really struggling and my dietician needs to see if I can get back on track myself or need to go back to some higher level of treatment.

Today is the end of day 4, and I am proud to say I am following through on my commitment ๐Ÿ™‚

So back to this weekend…

We didn’t do much, mainly just hung out around their apartment, watched movies, talked, played games, ate…you know, the usual. It was simple and simple was just what I needed.

On the drive back (a long 4 and a half hours) I spent some really amazing time with God. I have been so distant from Him lately and last week started to realize that there is no way I can do recovery or life without Him.

romans 5 8

I’ve always thought that I had 2 options in life, my eating disorder or having to deal with the trauma in my past and that there would never be peace or relief. BUT THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION! And He has been there the whole time just waiting for me to realize it ๐Ÿ™‚

So with that, I am feeling ready to conquer this eating disorder and live the life God created me for! I’m so stoked about it. And at the same time I realize it’s going to be hard work and it won’t always feel this great. But I know it is possible and I know He will never give up fighting for me!

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