Can I?

I don’t know if I can…

I’ve been planning for my service dog for the past 6 months and now I’m panicking.

Can I do this? Is this the right choice? Am I being selfish? Will Avery be okay? Do I have what it takes? Am I worthy? Will this be a crutch? Will it be worth it? Can I do this?

These questions…constantly swirling in my mind.

I’m terrified.

This dog could either be a beautiful thing or a horrible mistake. Or is there grey area?

Could it be hard but also worth it? Can I make mistakes but not fail? Will Avery be jealous but still be okay?

Am I doing the right thing? Will I ever know? Is this one of those moments where you say you only live once and take the plunge?

Or do you back out knowing logistically it’s a huge commitment?

How do I know which is the right choice?

Am I a bad person for doing this? And am I also a bad person if I back out of doing this?

Are all of these questions my wise mind or are they coming from my insecurities and fear?

The exhaustion, it’s real, it’s here…

I just want the questions, the doubts, the fears to go away…The anticipation is killing me.

A part of me wants to back out and waste away…ohh the anorexia is so appealing right now. She is calling my name and it sounds so sweet.

Can I do this? Should I do this?

Am I changing my life for the better or am I turning down a path of no return?

I’m exhausted…



Sacred Connection

Sometimes I get to thinking about how much I miss treatment.

I say that out loud and realize how crazy that may sound to others. But the reality is that the connections created in and through treatment are unlike anything else. At least for me..

I never had much of a family. Don’t take me wrong, I absolutely adore and love my mom and sister but my family is so filled with disfunction and suffering that the bonds we have always had have been very unhealthy.

Through treatment I found my family. I found people who heard me, listened to me, and understood me. I found people who loved me despite my pain, despite my past, and despite my mistakes. I found people who helped me identify, embrace, and cherish the most beautiful parts of myself. I found people who encouraged me to honor and love the little girl in me who never felt loved as a child. I found people who wanted to help me carry my burdens. People who wanted to be with me at my best and my worst. I found people who would never leave.

So sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the beautiful people who I would have never met had it not been for treatment.

It’s crazy how the most beautiful things in life can also be the most painful. But without the pain meaning is lost.

We can’t appreciate the light without darkness and we can’t endure darkness without the hope of light.

So thank you to my family. I miss every single one of you who has offered me your heart.

My love and gratitude is beyond explanation.

The Good ‘Ole Holidays

As I head home for the holidays I am flooded with such a dysfunctional mix of emotions. I love Christmas and I love my family and yet I’m also reminded of my past through every second of these holiday months. The societal emphasis on this season is so great that it only makes memories associated with this time more difficult to combat.

On Thanksgiving I get to remember my brain surgeries and months of hospital stays during my Junior year of high school. I’m also reminded of all the Thanksgivings spent with my family during the years my parents were still together. And yet it doesn’t end there…because these memories aren’t about remembering the joy spent with my family as a child but rather the constant fear I lived in for 17 years.

Then on Christmas I get a bit of a continuation of these family memories, except now I am remembering a time of year that was the most grand of all growing up. We always went all out: tons of presents, lots of decorations, church, music, baking, everything you can think of to describe the Christmas season.

I’ve always loved Christmas. It is my favorite holiday and it holds a special place in my heart because of our family traditions, but also because of my beliefs. Christmas is a day when I get to celebrate the birth of my Savior. My Savior whom one day will save me from the torture of this world and of the memories that have taken up permanent residence in my mind.

So as I head home, I am so utterly excited to celebrate and also horribly scared of the memories and emotions associated with the holidays.

I head home to a place that is home to my mom and sister (and therefore home to me) but also home to my father, which makes me want to vomit from anxiety. So these are my dilemmas and one’s I’ve been battling for quite a while, and yet no one would ever know…

The Pain of Knowledge

I’ve recently been reflecting a lot on the difference between my life in recovery and my life in my anorexia and how vastly different the two are for me and yet how vague they probably appear to others.

I think for the first time in my recovery I have¬†reached a point where I want so badly to use behaviors for some relief but the amount of knowledge I have about myself and my disease keeps me for being able to do so. Which is good, I suppose, but also extremely frustrating. I’m stuck in this terribly uncomfortable middle ground where I know I can’t use old behaviors but I’m also unsure of how to affectively utilize new, healthy coping behaviors.

I’m stuck having to feel the pain of depression, anxiety, and ptsd, where as in the past I could simply not eat or throw up in order to numb the pain. I know this is a phase of recovery that is very much necessary and important, and at the same time that doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve been stuffing my pain for YEARS (like 18 years..) and now that I am allowing myself the space to feel the pain and not run from it, 18 years is hitting me all at once.

numbing the pain

It’s overwhelming, it’s suffocating, it’s terrifying, it feels like it will never end, and it hurts more than I could ever explain.

But I have to keep going. I have to get out of bed every day. I have to keep talking through it and taking one step after another.

And sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it…sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard. Can I be allowed to give up for once? My whole life I’ve fought like hell. Can I have little break? I’m exhausted.

The Gradual Decline…

I want to restrict. The urge is so strong right now and I’m fighting it as hard as I can, but I don’t know how much longer I can last…

I want to feel like I’m floating, I want my clothes to hang off my body, I want people to notice the weight loss, and yet I don’t want anyone to try to stop me…

I’m tired, I’m depressed, I’m anxious, I’m overwhelmed..I need it to all go away..