Crumbling…

Depression and anxiety are funny little things…

Well, I suppose funny is not the correct adjective…

It finally happened, I got my puppy that I am hoping to train as my service dog.

His name is Axel and he is currently 13 weeks old…

The “funny” thing is, I planned for him for almost two years. I researched, I reached out, I studied, I scheduled, I was so excited, and I was also slightly nervous.

Axel is precious, he is so cute, he is playful, he learns quickly, he is focused on me, he loves other people, he recovers quickly from fear…all wonderful things! Granted he is a puppy and at times makes me want to pull my hair out when he wants to eat everything and jump on all of the counters…but overall, he is great…

And yet, somehow, my depression and anxiety are through the roof.

I’ve had three weeks off of work and if I’m being really honest, I haven’t enjoyed it…not much at all…

That admission of my truth feels so shameful…I have an adorable and loving puppy for goodness sake! What is wrong with me?!? Everyone who meets him is smitten, so why aren’t I??

I feel like a horrible human being and a horrible mom to this little boy…

I’m doing everything I should be for him, but my heart is not in it…

I sure hope my heart gets with the program as time goes on because right now, what I feel is a whole lot of nothing (depression) and a whole lot of fear (anxiety), during a time that should be full of love and excitement…

I feel broken…maybe I’m not capable of love…maybe this is more proof that I should never have children. If I can’t love a puppy, could I love a child?

I’m so afraid of ruining Axel’s life. What if I fuck up? What if I’m not enough? What if I’m not worthy? What if I really am a horrible person like my father says I am?

What if I am just like my father?

Maybe I am no better than him…incapable of love…

I’m drowning in depression and anxiety while I feel like I should be full of love and hope…so love and hope is what I show the world while I fall apart behind closed doors…

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One thought on “Crumbling…”

  1. It’s taken almost a year for me to begin to love my kitten. And there are still times the feeling is quite opposite of love, especially when she jumps up behind the flat screen TV to get attention. One of these times it’s going to cost me 400 bucks when it drops over and breaks.
    My suggestion is feel how you feel. It is only then that the feelings move through. Banish the ‘should’s,’ and accept what is really there. Then you can deal with it, attend to it, and provide the care needed which would hopefully include the support from others for what you’re really struggling with.

    Like

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