January 1, 2017 my father cut me from his health insurance.
It’s a moment I’ve been waiting for for quite some time. I have looked forward to severing this last form of connection but I’ve also dreaded it.
With it comes freedom and with it also comes pain.
The pain and fear that I may never connect with my father again pierces my heart.
I feel fragile. I feel broken. I feel the anxiety and the sadness creep up on me inconveniently throughout my days.
It’s a pain I can’t seem to articulate.
It’s a kind of pain that I just want to numb out from.
It’s an exhausting type of pain.
It drives itself deep into my being.
It makes everything ache.
And there is no band-aid or ice pack or medicine that will make it go away…
I miss him..I need a father..or a mother..either would be nice. I just need someone. Someone to tell me it’s going to be alright. Someone I can go to and feel safe to fall apart in front of for just a moment before I have to pull myself together and present strength to the world.
I need family. Something I’ve never really had…